Exhausted and Grateful

I don’t think I have ever been this exhausted in my life. I already wasn’t sleeping well due to the early rising sun around 5 am, but last week’s emotional onslaught from Ignited Man left me emotionally drained. My mind was so agitated that it left me wanting for sleep for 5 days straight. And it showed. My parents thought I looked like a zombie, fearing for my health when I stumbled back home late Sunday afternoon. As a matter of fact, I was so exhausted I couldn’t sleep and started having panic attacks once more as my mind raced from life changing decision to life changing decision not unlike a monkey on cocaine. Thankfully Irina came to the rescue, prescribing deep relaxation and meditation exercises.

 

Now three days later my sanity has now returned. Today I went to see my supervisor’s group at St Thomas’s hospital and got excited about my project again. Hopefully I can start doing some real work this weekend and perhaps even finish preparing the data sets for the tri-planar segmentation algorithm which is to be implemented next. What I will say though is that the support around me has been heart warming. Not only did Irina help me, but my parents, and even my supervisor showed incredible support despite my wavering. I can’t help but shed a few tears before this display of love in my life. I need to be more aware and grateful.

 

As for the OM practice, I hope to start next week. I thought I would stay away from it for longer but having rested up somewhat I feel like reengaging with the community. These people are beautiful. I want to be part of the community.

 

I am also getting better on a physical level. The swimming exercises in conjunction with plank and superman exercises help strengthen my core to the point where I feel greater strength. I am still very far away from my best fitness level but this will do until I start climbing mountains again. Not being in constant pain is so underrated…

 

I don’t have much else to say today besides that I am grateful for last week’s experiences which I will expand on in the next couple of blog posts. This has been an emotionally charged week of confusion and growth. Despite almost going nuts, I learned to relax and deal with it more gracefully than I had previously done. This is growth at it rawest which for me always seems to come with a heavy dose of pain. I suspect it will stay that way, but as long as I remain conscious and aware I can limit it to what is strictly necessary. Anyways I am off to listen to the “Power of Now” and do some deep relaxation before what will hopefully be a rejuvenating night of sleep.

 

I love life.

My First Blog Post

This is my first ever blog post. I am starting a blog with the idea of sharing the deeper side of myself with the world. My aim isn’t narcissistic, nor is it to change anybody. I simply want an avenue to express myself, my ideas and my love on the interweb. Maybe along the way I will inspire, provoke or connect with whoever reads it but this is secondary. So for my first blog post I want to explain a few things about myself: I am a man on a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. I seek to live a life of deep purpose, in love with the world and of connection.

 

I have had a rocky start to say the least. For the first 25 years of my life, I lived in depression, either in a constant state of escapism watching Youtube videos or in a state of apathy verging on suicidal . Last year, after having spent nearly a year working as a software developer in Cambridge and then London and hating my life, I left for South America in a desperate attempt to fix myself. This journey changed my life. Upon coming back, the challenge became to sustain my new-found sanity in society with all the pressures of modern life. I faced a choice: either retire and become a monk or fully engage with the modern world and learn to live my life on my terms. I decided on the later course.

 

This year has been rough to say the least. I studied for a uninspiring Master’s degree in Statistics, doing what I always do: spending my time in my head. I read about Taoism, Tantrism, Yogic lifestyle, in the process changing my way of breathing, eating, and masturbating. From all these books, I constructed a grand theory of everything from the various teachings. I thought I had it figured out. But then I discovered Orgamsic Meditation.

 

The point of Orgasmic Meditation, or OM as it is called, is simply to stroke a woman’s clitoris for 15 minutes with no goal in mind. This practice is meant to develop one’s surrender to the present moment, to resolve one’s issues with one’s sexuality and bring up any complexes around connection one might have. The experience is surprisingly deep. Upon having my first OM session, I came to realise that despite all my books, I knew nothing. All my supposed wisdom was purely intellectual, not experiential and thus non-consequential. What I need is to get out of my head and start stroking pussies, both literally and figuratively. The only way I will transform myself into the man I am capable of being is by engaging with the world, show my real self, make mistakes, embarrass myself and do it again and again. This is the only way of developing my true wisdom.

 

So this is only the beginning of a long journey. I wanted to start a blog for a while and now, upon my 28th birthday the time has come to finally take action and write some bloody words down, express myself and show some vulnerability. I plan on writing a 500-word blog post every day. For now, the quality matters less than the quantity as I improve my writing. If you are reading this, I hope you enjoy the ride. If not, it doesn’t matter…